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Home Show Schedule Show Results Upcoming Events, News & Announcements Newsletter Educational & Interesting Links and Articles Classified Ads Horses for Sale/Lease On the Lighter Side Sponsorship Membership Contact	THE RULES OF DRESSAGE A dressage test is a test of your skill against another competitor's luck. Dressage is about achieving a harmonious working relationship with your horse, whose only idea of harmony is eating grass in the field. If you want to end a drought or dry spell, wear a new jacket and top hat to an outdoor arena. Untalented, difficult, aggressive horses have robust health and long lives. Talented, tractable horses are accident-prone. You will ride the best test of your entire life just prior to being disqualified for not wearing gloves. Horses do not improve their paces because you are wearing expensive German breeches. If you chose a disco theme for your Freestyle test, then the judge will not be less than 90 years of age. The less skilled the rider, the more likely they are to share their ideas and advice on riding a test. If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training, then you have reached the point of total desperation - try German breeches instead. If you fall off your horse in the arena you will have paid to have the test videoed. If you are feeling confident before a show, then three of the Canadian Dressage team and one leading eventer will turn up to give their young horses some "experience." Your horse will perform its best piaffe ever when you ask for extended canter in the test. No one cheats at Dressage because no one has worked out how to. It is surprisingly easy to end a test with a perfect square halt once you have scored a four for every other movement. Horse owner's Latin motto:"Equus.....Costus.....Muchus"
	THE TOP TEN REASONS TO RIDE DRESSAGE 10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating. 09. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine. 08. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at. 07. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular. 06. My chiropractor needs a new car. 05. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - aka. the barn. 04. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool. 03. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges. 02. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges. 01. I had way too much money in my bank account.
	20 SIGNS YOUR DRESSAGE TEST NEEDED WORK Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job." Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass. Your working trot had you working harder then your horse. In your salute, your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium." Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?" Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice. Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X. Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the working canter. Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B... Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic" Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does. Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks. The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave. Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager.
	HOW MANY RIDERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? WESTERN PLEASURE RIDERS: Oh, my God, someone fix that bulb, I have to have light so that my silver and spangles all glow to their best and so that all the highlighter on Old Peanut Head makes his nose look so smooth and sparkly, and oh, my diamond studs have to flash in the light, you know, so oh, someone has to fix it - oh, maybe you without all the silver on your saddle, obviously you can't ride, you can do it. ENDURANCE RIDER: Light Bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse respiration / hydration levels down to respectable levels. Once that is once, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb. DRESSAGE QUEEN: Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought! CLASSICAL DRESSAGE QUEEN: These things cannot be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing. EVENTER: Wuss! As soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall while riding Hell Bent for Leather cross-country, I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It'll put hair on your chest. Only dressage riders require lights, anyway. SHOW JUMPER: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my a. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded. NATURAL HORSEMAN: You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video set available at $179.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get an introductory video thrown in) behave as all good light bulbs should. HUNTER RIDER:** Well, I'm waiting for my trainer to tell me exactly how but he's changing light bulbs somewhere else right now.
	GLOSSARY OF HORSE TERMS Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset. Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school. Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern Climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly. Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's College funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges). Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles. Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows. Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot. Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots. Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods. Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring. Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure. Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding). Flies- The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished. Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn. Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses. Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer... Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body. Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places. Heaves - The act of unloading a truckful of hay. Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse. Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into. Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing. Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed. Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders. Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing. Manure spreader - Horse traders Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8. Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season. Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes. Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion (and some geldings) when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes. Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses. Quitter - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns. Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill. Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with. Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals. Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats. Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show. Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks. Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger. Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town. Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show. Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon. Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it. Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves) Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen. Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback. Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously. Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground. Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.
	The Amazing New Dressage Test For Horses Unsuitable to Become Anything By Joanna MacDonald et al The Test 1. A. Enter at ordinary serpentine. X. Sprawl. Salute. 2. C. Stop dead. Stare in horror at judge and shy to left. Continue at ordinary working gallop. 3. E. Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 meters in diameter circle or pear shape or five pointed star. Avoid excessive crossing of legs. 4. K. Begin to halt. Z. Keep trying. F. You can do it. B. Pulley rein. Give up. Continue at out of hand gallop. 5. H. Regain right stirrup. Continue at ordinary trot, bouncing. 6. MKT Change rein. Free Walk loose reins. Remove horse from judge's luncheon table. Ask judge for leg up. Jump back into ring. 7. Z. Turn down centre Line. Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave area at free walk on long reins, loose language.
	Some funny websites: http://www.dressageunltd.com/humor/ http://www.horseshoes.com/humor/frhmr.htm http://www.horsebarn.com/fun.html

The Amazing New Dressage Test

For Horses Unsuitable to Become Anything

The Test